We all want to be happy.
Not just the fleeting kind of happiness that comes with a Friday night or a vacation booking. We crave something deeper – an inner peace, a sense of rightness, of worth, of being enough. But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Without self-love, true happiness will always be just out of reach.
It’s not optional. Self-love is the soil in which real happiness grows. If in the first instance you don’t love yourself – unconditionally and fully – it’s near impossible to fully accept love from others, or to trust in your own joy. You may grab at pleasure, approval, or achievement, but it won’t quite stick. It’ll feel hollow. Because deep down, you’ll believe you’re not truly worthy of any of it.
Even the most outwardly positive people I work with – clients who practice gratitude journaling, recite affirmations, and chase personal development with vigor – often pause when I mention unconditional self-love. Their faces change. Their voices drop.
“Oh… I’m not sure I could do that.”
Unconditional self-love. Not self-admiration. Not ego. Just love for yourself that isn’t dependent on achievement, approval, or perfection. For many, this feels like an alien concept. Even threatening. And yet, if every person on this planet were able to embrace just this one shift – everything would change.
Why Is Self-Love So Hard?
Let’s start with the culture we live in.
From an early age, we’re taught – explicitly and implicitly – that love must be earned. Get good grades, win the trophy, look the part, make people proud, make people like you. Then, and only then, can you consider yourself “enough.”
We internalize this message early and then we live our lives trying to meet the conditions that we believe make us worthy and loveable.
If I succeed, then I can rest.
If I please everyone, then I’ll feel good.
If I’m strong, beautiful, helpful, smart – then I’ll finally deserve the things I want.
But this model doesn’t work. Not sustainably. It might get you external results, but it keeps your inner world under siege.
Many people spend a lifetime – often achieving great things – without ever feeling truly good enough. They’re still trying to earn the love they never received as children. They’re still stuck in a loop of self-improvement that ends up feeling a bit more like self-punishment.
And here’s the tragedy: You’d never apply this logic to someone you love.
Would you withhold love from your child until they won an award? Of course not. You’d say: “You are loved because you exist. Nothing will change that.”
So why do you deny yourself the same?
The Great Reversal
Here’s the invitation.
Instead of chasing the external in hopes of finally being allowed to love yourself…
Start with self-love. Start with unconditional self-acceptance. Make that your home base.
It sounds simple, but this is a radical reversal of the cultural logic we’ve inherited.
The truth is, once you embody self-love, the external things become easier to acquire. You show up with less stress, less fear of failure, because your worth is no longer on the line. And sometimes, even more powerfully, you realize you no longer need those things you were chasing in the first place.
You’re free.
Free to pursue what matters, not what you hoped would validate you.
Free to act from joy, not from fear.
Free to live a life aligned with your soul – not your wounds.
Does Self-Love Mean I Stop Growing?
Absolutely not.
Self-love isn’t the enemy of growth. It’s the fuel for it.
You can still be ambitious. You can still want more, create more, build, change, challenge yourself. But the why is different. It’s no longer about proving your worth – it’s about expressing your essence.
Growth from a place of self-love is infinitely more sustainable than growth driven by inadequacy.
This kind of growth says: “I love myself, so I am going to be the best I can be!”
Not: “I hate myself, so I’ll force myself to improve.”
See the difference?
Self-love includes being self-critical at times. It allows for reflection, for accountability, for desire. But it does so without cruelty. It holds your flaws with compassion, not condemnation.
Therapy, Coaching, and the Missing Piece
Interestingly, even in the worlds of therapy and coaching – two domains dedicated to personal transformation – self-love often doesn’t get the emphasis it deserves.
Therapy tends to focus on healing trauma. Coaching focuses on achieving goals. Both are valuable. But neither guarantees the cultivation of self-love.
And yet, in my experience, self-love is the foundation. If you don’t love yourself, your healing remains fragile, and your goals remain anxious pursuits. But when you do love yourself, deeply and unconditionally, your growth becomes joyful, and your healing becomes embodied.
Arguably then, self-love should be the starting point for any transformative journey.
So let’s start there.
How to Cultivate Unconditional Self-Love
Unconditional self-love is not a switch you flip – it’s a practice you build. It takes awareness, intention, and compassion. Here are a few steps to get you going.
1. Connect to Your True Voice
Underneath all the noise – the limiting beliefs, the fears, the criticism – there is a part of you that is the real you, your True Voice, your soul. This is the voice of your wise, grounded self, your True Self. It is not reactive or judgmental. It does not shout or panic. It is calm, clear, and wise. It knows your worth. It knows what matters to you. It speaks not from fear, but from truth.
The starting point of any life journey is finding this True Voice and asking what it really wants.
Dig deep below the noise and connect to this wise part of you that wants a better life for you.
2. Make Your Decision
Fully connect to your True Voice and ask bluntly:
What is my decision: do I commit now to embracing Unconditional Self-Love? Yes or No?
If the answer is no, you can stop reading this article now and return to your life of chasing the scraps of conditional love. I wish you good luck.
If the answer is yes, then anchor this commitment by connecting to purpose. Answer the question:
Why is it a MUST that I replace my limiting beliefs NOW?
Connect to the most compelling reasons. Maybe it’s not just about achieving your dreams – maybe your loved ones need you to become this better person and be a role model for them.
You’ve connected to your True Voice, made a firm commitment and anchored that commitment with purpose. There is no way back. The next steps tackle the issue itself.
3. Understand
Slow down, explore, and gain full understanding of the reasons for your lack of self-love.
For example:
- Did your early environment fail to provide this to you?
- Did later trauma shake your belief in yourself?
- Have you internalized the value of conditional self-love from the culture you live in?
There may be many reasons and there may be an interplay between these reasons. The assistance of a qualified professional can be extremely helpful in unpacking and processing what has happened to you.
Often when we gain clear and full understanding of what has happened to us, we can find that this gives us liberation from what has happened to us. We realize that if circumstances had been different we would now be different. Therefore it’s not us in our essence that is bad – it is our environment which has failed us and given us limiting beliefs about ourselves!
4. Change Your Language
Challenge your language when you hear yourself think or say limiting beliefs about your self-worth like “I’m not worthy enough.”
Be aware of conditional thinking like “I’ll believe in myself after I get a promotion.”
Adopt a habit of empowering affirmations every morning or before important events.
If it feels fake to begin with, that’s fine. That is just the old beliefs clinging desperately on. Trust that over time and with repetition these limiting beliefs will start to fade and be replaced by new empowering ones.
5. Change Your Actions
Unconditional self-love isn’t just an inner feeling – it’s a practice. And sometimes, the fastest way to shift how you feel about yourself is to change how you act toward yourself.
If you loved yourself deeply, how would you treat yourself today? What would you say no to? What would you make time for? What kind of boundaries would you set? What kind of food, movement, rest, or relationships would you choose?
You don’t need to feel worthy before acting like someone who is. In fact, it often works the other way around: when you consistently take loving actions – especially when it’s hard – you begin to become someone who believes they are worthy of love.
Start small. Cook yourself a nourishing meal. Speak kindly to yourself in the mirror. Say no when your body says no. Take rest without guilt. Protect your time like it matters – because you matter.
Love expressed through action becomes embodied. It builds trust. Over time, your nervous system learns: I am safe with myself. I am loved.
6. Change Your Environment
You cannot fully love yourself while staying immersed in environments that constantly contradict that love.
Whether it’s toxic relationships, hypercritical workplaces, draining social media feeds, or cluttered physical spaces that stress your nervous system, your environment is shaping your self-perception every single day.
Unconditional self-love isn’t just an inside job. It also requires external alignment. You deserve to live, work, and connect in spaces that reflect your worth, not challenge it.
This doesn’t mean you need to make drastic changes overnight. Start subtly:
- Curate your social media to follow people who inspire self-kindness, not comparison.
- Limit time with those who shame, belittle, or guilt you – even if they’re family.
- Create a calm, beautiful corner in your home that feels like sanctuary.
- Seek out communities (online or offline) where self-love is the norm, not the exception.
When your environment mirrors the love you’re cultivating within, self-love stops feeling alien and starts feeling like reality.
For a deeper exploration of these and other strategies to cultivate empowering beliefs, download my free resource Rewrite the Story.
A Call to Action
This article is not just about a concept – it’s an invitation.
An invitation to make a decision.
Today.
Not once you’ve succeeded. Not once you’ve “fixed” yourself. Not once you’re confident.
Now.
Make the firm decision to commit to unconditional self-love.
Even if it feels impossible.
Even if your inner critic fights it.
Even if part of you still believes you must “earn” it.
You don’t – love is not earned. Not this kind.
You were born worthy. That hasn’t changed. It’s just been forgotten.
And once you reclaim that truth, your life will begin to shift – quietly at first, then powerfully.
You’ll stop living to become lovable and start living to express the love that was always there.
That’s the shift.
And it will transform you.
I help people heal, grow, and create the life they deserve. Ready to begin? Book a Free No-obligation consultation now.
— O.S. Michael
