As a coach and psychotherapist, I spend my days guiding individuals through the complexities of their lives, helping them navigate challenges, clarify goals, and ultimately, find meaning. This work is deeply rewarding, but every so often, life delivers its own profound lessons that cut through the everyday noise and demand our attention. This past year, the deaths of two close family members – first my mother, and now her sister, my aunt – have brought these lessons home with stark clarity. Suffice it to say, it has been a difficult and reflective time for all of us.
Funerals are, inherently, occasions of deep grief and loss. They are also, however, incredibly grounding events. They act as powerful resets, stripping away the trivial worries and the relentless pursuit of goals that, in the grand scheme of things, suddenly seem far less important. The day-to-day anxieties about work deadlines, social media metrics, or minor disagreements simply drop away.
In their place, a stark, undeniable reality emerges:
Someone is gone… for all eternity.
This finality forces a unique kind of perspective. Amidst the tears, the celebration of a loved one’s life, and the embrace of human connection, there is an invitation for a little soul searching. And at the heart of this reflection, one question has consistently surfaced for me, a question I keep asking myself at these funerals:
Am I really focusing on what’s important in this precious, finite life?
It shouldn’t take the profound shock of a death to ask this question. Ideally, this is a query we should all be asking ourselves regularly. It serves as a vital compass, helping us avoid the countless distractions that pull us off course and keeping us on the track of an authentic, meaningful existence.
This blog post will explore the power of this single question. We will delve into how grief can reframe our priorities, the common distractions that derail us, and practical strategies for living a life that is intentional, purpose-driven, and truly focused on what matters most.
The Grounding Power of Grief and Finality
Grief has a unique way of simplifying the world. The moment we are confronted with the undeniable fact of mortality – our own and that of our loved ones – our internal priorities undergo an immediate and often intense reorganization. The things we chase with such fervor suddenly lose their shine.
Consider the last time you faced a significant life event or crisis. Did you find yourself worrying about the same things you did a week prior? Likely not. This immediate shift in focus is a biological and psychological mechanism designed to help us prioritize survival and connection. Funerals amplify this mechanism on a societal level. They are collective moments of pause where we all, temporarily, agree to focus on the essentials: love, memory, and the fragility of our time here.
The finality of “gone… for all eternity” is a difficult but essential truth to internalize. It is not morbid – it is a catalyst for living more fully. When the time horizon shortens, even theoretically, our awareness sharpens. This is the core of what many philosophers and psychologists refer to as memento mori – the medieval Latin theory and practice of reflection on mortality. It’s a powerful reminder that our time is a non-renewable resource, and how we spend it is our most critical decision.
As a coach, I often use the “deathbed perspective” in my sessions. I ask clients to imagine themselves at 80 or 90 years old, looking back on their life. What do they wish they had done more of? What do they regret not focusing on? The answers rarely involve wishing they had worked more hours or achieved a higher social media follower count. They almost always involve family, connection, experiences, courage, and authenticity.
The Noise That Distracts Us From What’s Important
If the answer to living a meaningful life seems so clear from the perspective of grief or old age, why is it so hard to maintain that focus day-to-day? The answer lies in the sheer volume of “noise” that surrounds us. We live in an age of infinite distraction, where our attention is the most valuable commodity.
This noise comes in many forms:
- The Tyranny of the Urgent: We often prioritize urgent, low-impact tasks over important, high-impact goals. Responding to an email now feels productive, but does it move you closer to an authentic life?
- Social Comparison and External Validation: Social media, advertising, and societal pressure constantly tell us what we should want: a bigger house, a faster car, a certain body type, a specific job title. These external metrics of success often diverge sharply from our internal values.
- The Pursuit of “More”: The hedonic treadmill keeps us running faster and faster after the next achievement or purchase, the satisfaction of which is fleeting, leading to a perpetual state of wanting rather than being.
- Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): The constant stream of information and opportunities creates anxiety that we are not doing enough, seeing enough, or achieving enough, leading to overcommitment and burnout.
These distractions create a fog that obscures the path to what truly matters. They create a life that is busy, but not necessarily meaningful. The question, “Am I really focusing on what’s important?” is the foghorn that clears the air, helping us identify the authentic path.
Redefining “What’s Important”: Values as Our Compass
To focus on what is important, we first need to define what that means for us as individuals. “Important” is a deeply personal concept; there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Your definition of a meaningful life will be different from mine, and different from your neighbor’s.
As a psychotherapist, I emphasize the process of identifying core values. Values are not goals (which can be achieved and checked off a list); they are living principles that guide our behavior and choices. Examples might include:
- Connection: Prioritizing quality time with loved ones over screen time or work.
- Creativity: Making time to express yourself, whether through writing, art, music, or cooking.
- Growth: Committing to lifelong learning and personal development.
- Contribution: Finding ways to give back to your community or a cause you care about.
- Health: Valuing physical and mental well-being as the foundation for everything else.
Once you clarify your values, the answer to the blog post’s central question becomes easier to answer. When you ask, “Am I focusing on what’s important?”, you are essentially asking, “Am I living in alignment with my core values?”
A life out of alignment creates friction, anxiety, and a persistent feeling of something being “off.” A life lived in alignment, however, provides a sense of peace, purpose, and fulfillment, even amidst challenges.
Practical Strategies for Regular Soul Searching
We cannot wait for funerals to check in with ourselves. We need to integrate this soul-searching question into our daily or weekly routines. Here are a few practical strategies I recommend to my clients to keep them on the track of an authentic and meaningful life:
1. The Weekly “Life Audit”
Set aside 15-30 minutes every week – perhaps on a Sunday evening – to conduct a mini “life audit.” Use this time to reflect on the past week and plan for the next. Ask yourself:
- What did I spend most of my time and energy on last week?
- Did those activities align with my core values?
- Where did I get distracted by the “noise”?
- What is one thing I will do differently next week to focus on what truly matters?
2. Daily Mindfulness and Presence
A significant part of living an authentic life is simply being present in the current moment. When we are present, we are less likely to be hijacked by anxieties about the future or regrets about the past. Mindfulness practices, even just five minutes of meditation a day, can help train your attention to focus on what is happening now, allowing you to make conscious choices about how you spend your time rather than reacting on autopilot.
3. Schedule “Important” Time First
The things that are “important” but not “urgent” often get pushed to the end of our to-do lists and subsequently never done. This includes quality time with family, exercise, creative pursuits, or quiet reflection. Stop treating these essential life elements as an afterthought. Use calendar blocking techniques to schedule time for what matters most first. Treat these appointments with yourself and your loved ones as non-negotiable meetings.
4. Practice Gratitude
A daily gratitude practice is a powerful way to shift your focus from what you lack (which drives much of the distracting “wanting”) to what you already have. When you regularly acknowledge the gifts in your life – your health, your relationships, your opportunities – you reinforce what is truly important, making it easier to prioritize those areas.
Final Reflections
My year has been marked by profound loss, but also by a renewed appreciation for life’s fragility and beauty. The question that keeps coming up at these funerals is not a morbid one, but a life-affirming one: “Am I really focusing on what’s important in this precious finite life?”
Life is fleeting. The opportunity we have right now to connect, to love, to create, and to grow will not last forever. We owe it to ourselves to cut through the noise, define our values, and live with intention. Do not wait for a crisis or a funeral to gain perspective. Start asking yourself that crucial question today, and every day after. Your authentic, meaningful life is waiting.
I help people heal, grow, and create the life they deserve. Ready to begin? Book a Free No-obligation Consultation now.
— O.S. Michael
